I Understand Inside

I understand inside.  This means several things to me.  I understand pushing your feelings so deep inside that it seems like nobody truly knows the "real" you, even maybe yourself.  I understand being inside the proverbial closet: about my sexuality, about my mental health diagnosis', about a lot of things.  I understand being inside of myself, screaming on the inside, "I'm here!  Can't you see me?" and watching people walk away because they can't.  I haven't let them.  I understand being inside the mind of a child who was abused and re-experiencing the traumas that the mind can only repress for so long.  I understand being inside a hospital  (private, public, and/or state) against your personal will because depression and anxiety has taken over your mind, convincing you that you are not worthy of love or life.   I understand looking out the windows at visitors who come and go, their feet crunching in the snow and then, drive out of sight, leaving you to color with broken crayons and write with golf pencils.  I understand referring to the hospital as, "The Inside" and away from the hospital as, "The Outside," as if it the world is so black and white.  Unfortunately, some of us are on "The Inside" even when we're not in the hospital - after all, wherever you go, there you are!  I, like many, have erected my own self-imposed walls that keep others out and myself in, clawing at the walls and hoping for a bulldozer to knock it right down and, yet, fearing the demolition at the same time.  These walls I have for myself are what we've all built, some more than others, to protect us from our feelings.  Keeping people out keeps us in, too, and protects us from all of the potential good feelings! 

My goals in writing this blog are the following: to lend a voice to the voiceless and help others to see that they are not alone, to get some writing experience and exposure because I want to write a memoir and be published (and be on Oprah's book club, but that's not the point), and to use this as a place to write down my thoughts, opinions, theories, and so forth.  I'd like it to be a conversation, so please feel free to comment! :)